Love or Confusion?

I really want to clear the air with Hot Guy, I was just informed on my lunch break,( in my opinion the reason he is being so shady) this conniving girl that is my co-worker who, propositioned him for a blow job by the way, apparently jumped all over him last night and was telling him not to screw me over and how he’d better not hurt my feelings and that I wanted a relationship with him, blah blah blah so he is freaking out obviously (who wouldn’t) thinking that I have all these things that I want from him, which in all actuality I want nothing from him but friendship and if I get an additional benefit from it then great and if not then great too! So apparently he talked to B. and she told him that wasn’t the case. LOOK people I have a regular, I don’t need another one I just flushed 2 demons this weekend, so that I can be free, I don’t consider M. a demon, he is just a regular. So why would I be trying to tie myself to one person, BUT he seems to imply that he might be the jealous type when he is “with” someone, so that probably wouldn’t work anyway! GIRLS are SOOOO stupid, hence why I don’t like them! Bah I am mad!

So I got the friend speech from hot guy after he was the one who started it, but whatever as long as he tells me what he wants and isn’t stringing me along I am ok with it. Brad is leaving today to go to Pittsburgh. I am sad about this, but he’ll be back. He was at the Ale House last night hanging with Hot Guy, after I got the friend speech and went back and was talking to Brad he was like so you are dating this guy? And I was like nope I just got the friend speech and he was like, WHAT?!? No way, not how he was looking at you… there is no way that he wants to be friends, and I was like well he is going through some things and says that he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings that he just needs to be alone right now, just for now, (he kept saying) so brad was like well he wants you, I could see it in his face. He told me not to loose hope that guys don’t look at people like that when they just want to be friends, then he was like not to mention his body language… Blah blah, which I was like well as I was about to walk away from the car he gave an extra long hug then I had turned my back and he placed his hand on my butt and ran it up to my waist, in the slow this is intentional kinda way. I think that he is very lost right now which in a strange way makes me want him more, he has the wounded puppy syndrome, I want to nurse him back to health. However I am just leaving it alone, until he tells me what he wants, hopefully it won’t be once I have completely lost interest…. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anyway I had the best time on Monday night with M. I put it on him, so I know I still got the moves, and a regular, which is making it much easier to leave Hot Guy alone. M. was being a little more personal then usual. That makes me over analyze. I hope that it is just that he is more comfortable around me and not that anything is developing. I think he is just getting more comfortable around me.

I have to live with myself, and so,I want to be fit for myself to know;I want to be able as days go byAlways to look myself straight in the eye;I don't want to stand with the setting sunAnd hate myself for the things I've done.I don't want to keep on a closet shelfA lot of secrets about myself,And fool myself as I come and goInto thinking that nobody else will knowThe kind of man I really am;I don't want to dress myself up in sham.I want to go out with my head erect,I want to deserve all men's respect;But here in the struggle for fame and self,I want to be able to like myself.I don't want to think as I come and goThat I'm bluster and bluff and empty show.I never can hide myself from me,I see what others may never see,I know what others may never know,I never can fool myself - and so,Whatever happens, I want to beSelf-respecting and conscience free...

Okay so Happy Hour tonight with Hot Guy. I am rather excited about this. Crittle called me a dork and said that I should not feel guilty! So that is what I am trying to do. There has been a lot of talk about bases, what are the bases??? I am such a dork I have no idea which ones are what! John’s birthday is Sunday, desperado by the Eagles was playing on the radio this morning. I really miss him. I wish I could just talk to him one more time…….

If you heart is locked and you can’t find the key, lay your head on my shoulder and I’ll set you free, I’ll be your security………….I’ll be there to lean on when you need a friend…….. I love her… Joss Stone.

I am rubber and you are glue, that is how I feel today I am in a strange mood. I am thinking I look good today, I am always in a good mood when I fell like I look good.

Oh ah sexy man.......... 69 ............ oh ah butt sex!!!!

"For those who care to dream, there is no such place as far away." - Thanks Ms. J

So Bevins are you ever going to answer my heart felt confession/question?? I am rapidly becoming inpatient, and soon you will loose this great opportunity that has been thrown in front of you! I know you love me. I can feel it. The sun sets and the moon rises in your eyes, you are the earth and I am the moon. My pulse races at the mere thought of you. Please say that you will at least consider me, I know I am not your type but I can try.

The Disney trip was interesting; it started with a 6-hour trip to Orlando (which should only take no more than 2 ½). Why??? Because a semi-truck hit a motorcycle and burst into flames, so I can now say that I have walked around on I-4, exactly what every person wants to say that they have done! The condo was horrible, but Joe had a good time and that is all that matters right. So the hot guy has my phone number, he said that he was going to call on Sunday, he didn’t. I was like oh well. When I got back to work I sent out a mass funny email, in which he replied with a sorry his grandfather is on life support, I think the no call is forgivable. I was talking with the Pookie I said we should go out on Saturday. I think I will we don’t hang out very often anymore, its hard to coordinate both of our lives to get to hang out these days.

Days like today make us all stop to think about our lives and how they impact the ones around us, it seems that this year is just going to be one of those years that continues to get worse instead of better. On Saturday another old school mate passed away, on his birthday, seems like every time the wound starts to close something comes along to open it back up and rump salt in it. Blah! I am debating on going to the funeral, I haven’t known him for years, and however I feel out of respect I should go.

Bevins-

We have been friends for quite a while now, almost a year and I think that we have become close enough to say this, you know that as friends we make sacrifices for each other, and if you asked me to do anything for you I would. So now its time for you to sacrifice for me. It’s you Bevins it’s always been you and it will always be you…. So I am asking that you rethink your lifestyle to take me openly into your life…..

So what do you think??
Check yes _______ or no________


HEE HEE HEE, WHY am I in this crazy mood today??????
I want Hot boi, I have M. , I need Bevins ..... I need to change or something I am not able to juggle this......

Why do I get so confused sometimes… I am lost I think that I am not going to talk to any bois anymore….I can’t juggle so I will just be done, I met this really nice guy on Friday, but I can’t I am happy with what I have going on with M. so that is that I will not talk to him anymore… I was at the Ritz, with a few co-workers and it was funny because I have never been to the Ritz, and don’t intend on going back, I swear I was the oldest person there. It was ok until Hot Guy left, then I was swarmed … it was like I was a big t-bone steak in a room full of hungry wolves, it was horrible. I was like um NO, NO, and how about NO!!!! That is why the gay bar is soooo much better!!! I have been sad lately, I miss my Pooh Bear Bro.. His birthday is soon, we are going to set him free on his birthday.. on a boat, I HATE WATER, why do we have to do it on a boat this is going to be so traumatic.



Song stuck in my head today : Jet Lag ==== Joss Stone

Please answer this question for me, what is this world coming to, when you go into a gas station to pay for your gas and a crack whore says “good morning how are you?” so of course this is reciprocated only to received “ a long, slow night, I didn’t make any money” come on people !!!! What is that???? Was she soliciting me???? I was like OOOOKKKKKK!!! And ran, as I have been doing a lot lately… example my manager thinks I need to be hooked up with every guy that works here… so he starts screaming in the parking lot to this semi attractive male and I was running! Then the children that I work with hijacked my computer and sent said semi attractive male an email!!! WHY me??? Alright enough whining for now, also Crittle met the HOTTEST guy Friday, whose best pick up line was ”lets breed,” or even better “will you have my abortion?”Or I think that my favorite line from his mouth all night was “I almost used to work there.” Where do these people come from??