Love or Confusion?

http://quizilla.com/users/AutumnSong123/quizzes/What%20Muppet%20are%20you%3F


You are Dr. Bunson Honeydew. You love to analyse things and further the cause of science, even if you do tend to blow things up more often than not. HOBBIES: Scientific inquiry, Looking through microscopes, Recombining DNA to create decorative art. QUOTE: "Now, Beakie, we'll just flip this switch and 60,000 refreshing volts of electricity will surge through your body. Ready?" FAVORITE MUSICAL ARTIST: John Cougar Melonhead LAST BOOK READ: "Quantum Physics: 101 Easy Microwave Recipes" NEVER LEAVES HOME

Approximately 3 days I sent a message to the lobster (as Jack calls him). With no response until this morning and I am now crying for some unknown reason. Here is the conversation….

Me (3 or 4 days ago) : Hello! Are you guys alive? Haven’t heard from you guys in a while- S

Lobster (this morning) Yes, I am alive. ( generally that would not warrant a response from me, but I know something is wrong)

Me : everything ok?

Lobster: kinda … I’ll call you tonight ….

Me: Please do! I’m worried. Have a good day. You better call me!

Lobster: K

So I should say first before I completely forget to say, that Saturday was a very interesting night. Starting with the fact that I was getting hit on by a boy that had whales on his SHORTS.. There are three mistakes there. First the whales, second the shorts, and the third is that he was wearing them. He was weird. I took a taxi. A very ugly woman who was probably an even uglier man, when she was one, was driving it. She acted surprised that I knew she wasn’t a girl. YIKES!!! I was entirely to intoxicated and apparently did a lot of drunk dialing. I really have to stop doing that. At least I can’t drunk dial the object of my affection any longer. Not that I don’t remember his number, but it is not readily available while drunk.

My Jack is having her inner demons fighting with her to be emotional. Now she generally isn’t, and I can’t say the last time I remember hearing tears in her voice as much as I have lately. I was flattered to know that Jack feels she can cry to me. That makes me feel useful, considering I have used her shoulder more times then I can count. I am not useful often. So that makes me feel good.

OK I am such an out of shape cow. I feel like cutting my limbs off. I am sure that would feel better then what I feel right now. I worked out yesterday for the first time in forever. But I am committed. I am going to just do the treadmill today. I want my back fat to go away. I don’t know why I have an obsession with backs. But I want my back to be hot. I want to wear a backless shirt and feel sexy. That’s my goal. If I weren’t so poor I would go buy one and hang it on my door for motivation. Maybe next paycheck.


This is forth of July weekend coming up. I have Monday off. I can’t wait. I am going to sleep in. hopefully.

I am sorry that I have neglected you.. I am updating today, I promise.
stay tuned.........

So I have been talking to this guy on Friendster, he I guess finally broke the “who is gonna do it” and gave me his number. I liked that; he put himself out there and made himself vulnerable. As we all know, I tend to do that pretty often. So I called him Saturday. He was pretty surprised that I called. (Why is that? I hate that people do that, the ones who ask especially and then don’t call) and somehow the conversation ended up with me inviting him out. Now I suppose since it was 8:30 and we were trying to be out the door my nine. I didn’t have time to panic. Then I got to the bar and was getting a little nervous, (nothing a little beer can’t fix, by the way is a bad rule of thumb to have) so I was on beer number two talking about my new falsies, when peter is slapping me on the arm and telling me that there is someone standing there. Ok this is it, the moment when you get the very 1st impression of someone. (I am talking about falsies.) Hopefully he didn’t hear what I was saying it was loud and my back was turned. So he gives the appearance of being very nice. He has a little geek factor to him, of course.

I have spent the last 24 hours being a ding-dong and comparing everything about him to M. I just can’t help it, M. has all of the qualities that I want in a man. So I don’t think that it’s so bad for me to just look to see if someone else has them, right?

We will just have to see where this goes. He likes to do out doors activities, which as long as it’s not hot, I enjoy as well. I am getting really over this being alone thing. I just want someone to come sit and watch a movie with me. Apparently, that is to much to ask.

Whine time-No run-ins with The Cop this weekend. The po-po advised me when I saw him that they had gone to B. Street because, fat knobby knees can go there. Guys, I am really trying not to be bitter about this but ONE week before he got fat knobby knees to be his girlfriend (I am using the term loosely as the po-po put it) he was all into me. When the “what we want conversation” happened he said he didn’t want a serious girlfriend. What happened a week later??? He has a fat knobby-kneed girlfriend! Oh well everything happens for a reason. I just can’t seem to find any. Maybe, everything is bringing me to this guy. Even though he drives like a maniac.

Sarah’s Scholarship fund…

I recently began a door-to-door sales job to assist in my paying for college. Funny that you all were talking of this, this morning. Because I have noticed that my sales are not what I think that they should be. I should start by saying the only reason that I started this gig is my friend works for the same company, and has for sometime. However she pulls in almost a grand a week. (Hence the reason I took the job) She also is sporting a double D. I on the other hand, pull in sneer comments and slamming doors. Why is this you might be asking, well I believe that it may have something to do with my chest or lack there of. Let me ask you if a woman walked to your door with DDD breasts, would you slam the door in her face. Or would you allow her the time to give you her sales pitch, even if you are looking at her chest. Would you buy the items just for a few extra glimpses? I am not a bad looking girl, but I am tall and you can’t see my face through the peephole. Only my chest and lets face it that just isn’t enough to have anyone open the door. Please I am begging for your assistance through college, so I don’t have to live the rest of my life having doors slammed in my face.

I know that I have previously stated that I am angered by The Cop ditching me for a fat, knobby kneed, 20 year old. But the more I hear of this the more I become a woman scorned, and I want revenge. So I am currently devising a plan to get this revenge. Sweet, sweet revenge. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not banking on this opportunity presenting itself. I have just decided that if a window opens I am jumping through it. And teach him a thing or two about jerking me over. This might also be that I need something to keep the little bit of spare time that I have filled. If I keep my mind off him it will be better.


So on the car news, I had a mini break down when the ‘rents told me that they were going to take the insurance money and I could keep driving around the death trap. So I don’t know what is going on there, but I don’t like it and it makes me really hate where my life is and I feel totally worthless.

Some people are like Slinkies...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face
when you push them down a flight of stairs.

I feel like there is almost a feeling of settling, for most people. Because its so hard to find that "dream guy" and at some point you just get tired of being alone and take what you can and try to make the best of that. BUT I have already done that, and I won't do it again. I don't have a "dream guy" but I do want someone that is nice to me and makes me laugh....

Well he got it. I am glad that I can have closure. My chest hurts, the kind of hurt that you would feel if there was an elephant standing on it. And every time the I breathe the flood gates open. And I am just left sitting here wondering what could have possibly possessed me to put myself out there like that, and allow myself to be hurt. I could say that I was better off not knowing, but I would never look at another, as long as I thought there was a chance that he might love me the way that I do him. So now I know. He doesn’t think we are a good “fit”. So I can stop wondering, I know and it’s done. I hope that he doesn’t look at me differently now; he said he had no idea. Which I find hard to believe. But lets just say, he really is that blind and didn’t know, how will he be around me now? Will he even want to be around me? He said that he was sorry for hurting my feelings, that isn’t his fault that I am stupid and allowed myself to feel this for him. But what do I do now? I always think of him, and now I have to stop. But I don’t know how to let him go. I guess I will just have to get out there and do it, no pussy footing around.

I am really good at turning the feelings off at least I have been in the past, once I have made up my mind. I surely hope that hasn’t changed. And I can fasten the lid on the box of M. as painful as the thought is.

So my weekend was interesting, I had to work on Saturday for the 1st time ever since I have worked here. But it wasn’t so bad, I was still drunk from the night before. That made it tolerable. Jack convinced me that going to a bar would be fun. Then at some point a German man, and Jack removed my watch. Then an Irish boy brought an Irish car bomb over, Way to GO JACK!!! She did her 1st Irish car bomb. I couldn’t do it, I was wasted! Then I went to Pookie’s house warming party. Being around that group is always interesting considering the fact that I have made out with all of them. So it was interesting. They got me to do a Keg Stand, for the 1st time ever and also the last time ever.


The lost boi, previously known as M. has not acknowledged receipt of my letter. That is starting to bother me. I just want him to say, eww you are gross, or no you are not but, I don’t think so… OR yes, take me, you sexy vixen you, I am all yours!!! Now we all know the last statement isn’t true, but hey one can dream can’t she?

I think I am going to lay low on the boy scene for a while, which I had already came to this conclusion a few weeks ago, and it seems now that I have done that, they are throwing themselves at me. Jack and I spent very little money on Friday, however we were wasted. Same thing last weekend. I am telling you that whole don’t care thing; I think that it must really work!

oh and I also am in love with John Legend so I can't possibly look for a boy...

"It took a second to meet you, a day to love you, and a lifetime to forget you..."

I don’t know why I sent that stupid letter. I already know that he hates me. I think I just set myself up for disaster, as much as I say I won’t care. It is still going to hurt. But I do need to know and this is going to be better in the long run.

I may have a break down today.......

no call from IBM yesterday. I actually am not hurt by this though I didn't realize until I was asked if I talked to him and I was like oh yea, nope.

I have more important things floating around in this crazy head of mine today

I smell bacon, and it's making me hungry! Also dont' need to eat because I am a cow! But it still smells good. I need coffee............

It’s sent.

I wrote it, did the final read, and sealed the envelope, which Bevins so kindly placed in the mail. Funny how I trusted him to do that. I don’t trust many of my friends these days when Jack and I had this discussion the other night I realized that I only really trust 2 people with my deepest darkest secrets regardless of shame or happiness. A third is quickly making way to something resembling this status but not quite with the other two. I know that I can tell these two anything, and when I say anything by golly I mean anything. And they would never and have never thrown it in my face. I have done some really stupid things and they know it all. But they still love me, for some reason. And that I suppose is why I trust them with it all. My dirty little skeletons.

So the unsurance people say they may pay for my car. I will know by the end of the week. However I have a $1000.00 deductible so whatever they give me they will take from it. Oh well it will still be something, and when you have nothing. Anything is better. Gotta get to work now.


Song ------ sitting, wishing, waiting…………………

I am writing M. a letter, The reason is so that I can ensure that nothing is said that I don’t want to be and that nothing is left out. Once I write this letter and tell him exactly how I feel hopefully he will tell me his feelings and then I can close the door and try to move on. If he actually tells me after knowing my feelings for him that he doesn’t feel anything of the sort. Or doesn’t want to. Then I will be able to walk away (hypothetically) and not go to bed every night thinking “what if” So I will probably take a week to write this letter. And I hope it doesn’t sound dumb.

This weekend was interesting. I met a boy, IBM. He seemed nice. We had a nice talk and walk on the beach. I haven’t been that wasted in a long time and god only knows what I said. I hope I didn’t make a complete fool of myself.. he is also an Asian persuasion. Never went that route before either. But is taller then me so that is a plus.


Mookanoodle looked so cute though, I did really well controlling myself considering that I hung out with him for like 8 hours. We were in a group and I was on my best behavior. Until the end of the night. I do believe when we were walking to the car I became a blubbering idiot and was spilling my heart out to him. But I can’t remember what I said or if he responded. So hence the letter.

but nonetheless, tiff crittle and I had a good night. with shells and cheese ....

I am really tired today, E has not slept in 3 nights and its starting to take its toll. I called into work today, I was so tired. and not functional. oh well.... Crittle if you are out there and alive please contact as I miss you!!!

So I suppose that I should tell of my weekend… Saturday was a mess, started off relaxing at the festival stayed rather relaxing at the wine bar, where yes I actually drank wine and liked it. Here is where it gets hairy, we went to a local club which we both don’t go to because neither one of us like it. And now I can so clearly remember why. So we headed home by 1:00 am stopped and bought pizza and were actually home eating it by 1:30. The po-po was texting Peter. The po-po and the hairy boy came over. Now hairy boy is in the friend group of the previously known as Hot Cop guy. So I have basically decided that he is off limits, but I don’t like him like that anyway. But if I did, he would be off limits, due to the Hot Cop issue. I did however end up getting the moves put on me and I made out with him. But that was it. I put the brakes on when visions of M. popped in my head and I said that I needed to go to sleep. He left. Also I cannot be that girl the one that plays ring around the rosey with all the friends.


Sunday, I went out the beach. Met a guy.. the story goes like this …
Standing at the bar, I see three guys make about 2 laps that I noticed. They then wedged their way onto the bar next to us. Now the one we shall call rain man was staring and when I say staring I mean really staring and it was almost uncomfortable. Peter went to the potty and there I stood at the bar. So the tall one comes and stands in her spot, and says “so what’s going on?” and we begin to talk from there, now I thought for sure he was going to introduce me to the weird guy who was staring. But he didn’t, we talk he asks what I do, I say I work in hell. Upon questioning he advises that he is a fireman…. I should have known right there. We continue on our talking. His other HOT friend with the nice hands, actually works in hell with me and knows Ms. Catina. So that was kind of ironic.
We go for coffee, we talk. We go back to watch a movie and I fall asleep. I can say though that I really had to try very hard to not sleep with him. We kissed, he is a good kisser. I had to stop him and tell him that I was sorry if I had given him the wrong impression but that I did not accept his invitation for movie watching to do anything but that, and possibly sleeping. I left with the impression that he would call. And he hasn’t. oh well firefighters are ho’s anyway

So I have almost not had his number for 24 hours. I am crying less and less. Unless any particular song that doesn’t even have to be particular comes on the radio and then I am a blubbering idiot again.

This is a good thing though; I can no longer bug him at 2 in the morning when I am drunk and stupid. I do have a few regrets when it comes to him though. I wish that I had just once told him how much he meant to me. That I wanted to know his mind as well as I knew his body. But hind sight is 20/20 they do say…. Can I get out of that statement? I really can’t see anyway, without my eyes on my sight fails me about 2 inches from my face. I can’t go back now, even if I actually grew the balls to do it, I don’t have a way to reach him. And being that the only time I have the balls to do anything is while I am drunk, (I have a tendency to be highly emotional, this behavior is amplified by drinking) this is probably for the best. It will just take time for me to see it. I do have faith that one day I will see it. And maybe this battered heart of mine will mend.


So the fireman did not call yesterday, surprise surprise. Men are such scum. All this guys talk of can I call you? Can we go out sometime? I mean this guy really had me fooled he actually ask Peter if he could take me out sometime. I thought you have got to be kidding me and I thought for sure he would have already called. But he hasn’t and it just goes to show that I need to be alone, totally and completely, where I cannot mask my sadness or divert from the truth. I will face this pain head on, work through it until it goes away. Yeah-right! Goes away, I never found someone to be so perfect. How do you recover from perfect?