Love or Confusion?

'This summer I am away from my desk with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines with a frikkin 12 gauge. If you need assistance but my skills aren't available contact Kip at cagefighter@playas.com'

song- One of these days.... Tim McGraw

So this weekend was totally unproductive as usual. I will tell about the irresponsible actions in a bit......


I want to be unguarded, I want to be able to share with people the things that mean the most, but there are very few who I do … because I trust them with my life and my soul and my heart and I know they would never hurt me. I think that at some point the part of me that allows myself to be free with someone just shut its doors to anyone new. Kind of like if you aren’t already in- then you might as well forget it, these doors are welded shut. I don’t want them to be though, that is the thing. I want someone to share thoughts with. Someone who can hold an intelligent conversation, who can see past my insecurities and my very important luggage. But my insecurity list is long and my luggage is heavy. And how could I logically ever expect that anyone would even consider it. I can’t, which brings me to where I am. The blonde, allegedly independent…. I feel so needy I don’t see how anyone could perceive me as independent. But nonetheless alone…

Ok, I am not sure what has gotten into me but at this very moment I am hiding and not working because I can’t focus to work. The tears won’t stop because I am once again being a retard. Or maybe I am not and maybe that hurts even worse, to know what I have to do. And doing it and now feeling so empty that I can hardly breathe.

Evidently I am high maintenance. I never thought myself to be, but I have now been informed that I am, so there. I was blog surfing, since our systems are down and I have over organized my email and cleaned the swamp I mean my desk. I am sure now that I have disrupted my functional disorganization that on Tuesday I will not be able to find anything. And that will just be fabulous. One linked on Jacks I read and thought to myself the similarities between the blogs was hilarious. Right down to deleting numbers I just laughed. BTW I did not delete the said number upon further consideration we are friends.


SO I am the BIGGEST loser! Even though I didn’t really win as in ten weeks I wasn’t able to lose 10 lbs that is a little ridiculous. However I lost 8 which was more then everyone else, not sure exactly how much complaining I can do about this, I will try for as much as possible and stop now.
James Brown is tomorrow… should be fun…

Well I am bored the system is down and I have nothing to do. Blah!

You know, dorkface, if you need to send me a message, you can text me...you don't have to post it on my blog...lol...you retard...now i can't figure out how to get rid of your comment!

Drinks with Bob went well on Tuesday, he called surprising at the stroke of 10pm. Now I had not even began to get ready for fear that if I was all dressed up I would have no place to go. So I had to run around like a mad women to meet him at the wine bar in 30 minutes as he requested. It did however work out perfectly that I was walking up as he was getting out of the car and he did the whole double look you know the one where you think is that the person that I am meeting. Then we hugged he looked me up and down about three times and said that I looked nice. Blah. We went to square one for drinks. I began to feel very poor as all of these people who have tons of money were talking about investing and savings accounts.. hmm I have 327.00 in savings in think, I try to pretend like it isn’t there so I don’t spend it so one day in 10 years I will have enough money to buy a car.

I had this awesome conversation with a guy who, had I never had children and was free, I would probably be just like him, it was strange. Our conversation almost left me sad, feeling I have missed something in life that I always longed to experience. It also left me wanting to talk to him more. However per Crittle I didn’t offer up my number nor did I ask for his… remember man runs world, man can ask for number! He did however say that I should go to James Brown, which I am doing. Not so much with the hopes of running into him but James Brown is funky! Also Crittle I will have you know that at some point on a Sunday in the near future we will be taking a trip to Kokomos because I want to watch his band play. You have been enlisted.

Yesterday it was just killing me to know more about this guy and I probably should not have but I asked Bobbles, “so what’s his story” his response was that it was a long story. Ok that didn’t sound good so I asked “is he worth running into again” to which he responded “great guy, really busy though, probably not worth the effort” so there you have it. BUT I am not sure if Bobbles realizes that I am a busy girl and don’t require too much, or maybe I do and won’t admit to it freely. But I think I am low maintenance, I have a full time job along with two children its not like I have a whole lot of free time. Usually one night a week sometimes two if I am lucky, which isn’t generally the case.
So stay tuned to see if at Funky James Brown I happen to run into the guy.

E. was so cute yesterday on her birthday, if you ask her how old she is she says TWO and its so freaking cute. She is getting so big, not so much a baby anymore. That makes me sad a little. I will miss her cuddly baby side.

Something that has really been bothering me is the fact that I believe my days are seriously numbered. When I was 17 one of my best friends at the time called me in the middle of the night hysterical, when I got her calm and asked her what was wrong she said that she had a dream that I died, that I was 25 (present age) with a two year old daughter (E’s present age). That I died in a car accident. So I am concerned that I will not be around much longer. Which is actually depressing me quite a bit. I am trying not to think about it, but it’s a hard feeling to shake.

Song stuck in head : Jack Johnson ---- Sitting Waiting, Wishing... (should be my anthem)

My Saturday night started off awesome… we got the last free parking spot in the parking lot, we were looking pretty hot if I do say so myself…. We were standing in the line and the super cute security guard starts waving, so I wave and then he is doing the come here wave so I go and he puts arm bands on us and rushes us through the door for FREE! So we have already at this point collectively saved $20.00 bucks! Then we see David and he starts buying our drinks.. he rocks, we were tipsy and hadn’t spent a dime, now why we didn’t just stay where we were I don’t’ know because once we left it just went down hill from there… I was super strong and didn’t falter in my decision to be done with The Cop as I was where he was and refused to even make eye contact with him. I proceeded to get hit on by 2 different 22-year-old boys, which has brought me to the conclusion that I do not want to go to any of those places anymore. I don’t want to talk to boys anymore; I want a MAN to talk to me. An artsy one at that.

So peter suggested that we go to the square in San Marco… which immediately made me think of my friend bobbles that works at this really laid back wine bar in that area, so I decided to call and see if he was still working there and if he would be working, so we can meet up… I call, he answers …. And tells me that he will be there and he can cut out early. But that he is moving … to Barcelona SPAIN!!!!! That saddens me, he is really a genuinely great person who I wish I knew better than I do. And I have had his number since he gave it to me 7 months ago and for some reason I never used it. Not because I don’t enjoy talking to him but because I didn’t want to bother him. He told me to call him today. Maybe I will.

Something else that I might do is delete some numbers out of my phone …. I am just torturing myself and obviously annoying the person who holds the number that I am deleting, so I think it would be the best thing for all parties involved.
The baby daddy who ruined me called Saturday, which was one day after he was supposed to call, to say that he wouldn’t be sending money until today. (The reason that he was supposed to call on Friday) (surprise surprise) I’ve got $50.00 that says he won’t call to day either. Which is really shitty since today is my daughters birthday, he probably won’t even call to tell her happy birthday. I really don’t know how he sleeps at night. But whatever.

http://home.mn.rr.com/couplandesque/quizzes/lisa.html

I received a telephone call last night, well two actually but we will start with the first one… this person we shall call them Jack, calls and its saying male impersonator of Jack has called with an invite for a beer, then goes on to ask what to do. Now anyone one who even has a remote clue as to who I am, knows that I should be el numero uno on the DO NOT call with a boy question list, not the do call list.. Now Jack is my idol is the stupid boy department anyway, she is tough to them on the outside she doesn’t allow them to crack the shell, and she always sees what is going to happen and is usually prepared for it… so I say where the hell is Crittle and what did you do with her Jack! Did she go to the Bahamas?? (if only she could vacation to me and teach me a thing or two) Anyway our conversation went no where, however my ultimate conclusion was that she should not go and invite them over tonight. So some how she thought she was doing the opposite of what I said and did exactly what I thought she should do! Ha silly silly girl… I tricked you! Do as I say not as I do……..

Now onto the second strange phone call….

The nose has been in and out of my life for ten year or so. Called to see if there were any new developments with The Cop, and to apparently bitch some more about how bad his life is up there ( he is 10 + hours away) and how he is going to come home “soon”. Now I would love for him to come back, because I do love him however, our recent conversations almost have a more then friend twist to them that slightly bothers me. One reason I believe this is a question that he threw out there “why are you trying to date anyone anyway” to which I responded “ok so I will be alone forever” his response “I will be down there soon and I will take care of you” For petes sake his son is named after my children’s father. Could you imagine the up roar that would cause? And also I don’t see myself wanting that with him. Well I truly don’t want anything with anyone except one, and lets me honest here I would probably ruin that too. We all know that I am really good at that.

How have I become what I despise most in others? How have I allowed one person to take the best of me, my ability to trust and love and above all else be loved? I suppose that throughout those 7 years it just happened. I thought that maybe it was overcome, but the loss of my brother just made all that clearer to me, this is a terrible world that we live in and sometimes life just isn’t fair. I am not playing the game anymore.

I thought that all was lost…… I could not find you, I thought you were gone, and than oh whoa is me, what would I do. But good for the both of us I found you.

You are one of "my bitches" now...Don't call me until tomorrow. I will beat you in the head if I have to discuss HTML with you anymore today. Thank you, drive through.

The Crizzle

I have had no contact with M. In a few days, it was starting to make me crazy a little, so I broke and gave in and sent the 1st email, now why we play this little game is unbeknownst to me. Sometimes he breaks and sometimes its me.. But its still a game. That I would like to stop. But none the less the last few moments before sleep can't help thinking of M. This must stop, but how?

Peter just advised her po-po texted her goodnight, I think that will be a good thing for her if it goes anywhere....

It seems as though no matter what I do, or how I act, I am either to loud, to open, not open enough, intimidating ( that is my personal fav) I couldn't intimidate a cat out of my yard, let alone a person.........

But I have been doing some serious thinking, because try to divert as I might I still continue to go back to one person, and I will be damned if I am going to pine over someone who isn't pining back. So I am going to wait it out, I am making a declaration right here and right now, I will no longer, pine .... I have however been doing a good job of this with one exception. I think that I sabotage it all, for instance I do believe that on the outing that took place on Friday with The Cop, looking back I was so totally flirting with his friend and didn't even realize it. I cannot help it I have absolutely not one bit of interest in the friend but I still was flapping my lips with him all night. So I can totally see why he left and has not talked to me since. And quite frankly I do not care, I deleted his number. There is only one person that I want and they do not want me so I suppose that I will be a bitter old woman who lives in a shoe with a long island in one hand and a dildo in the other.... That is my destiny, I will also probably have Bevins growing out of the side of my ass, but what ever he can live there too.

This world is such a crazy place and I really hate to sound like a whiney ass baby, but I have so totally lost my purpose here, I am E & J 's mom, not very good at that, I have a job , not very good at that either, I ruin all of my personal relationships in one way or another, I refuse to allow people the opportunity to see my heart, I feel like my heart is not mendable, alright enough crazy insightfulness if that is what you want to call it....


song so stuck in my head is : HOWIE DAY Collide

I called The Cop on my lunch today, per the advice given by The Lost Boy, (previously known as The Hot Guy) now why am I taking advice from him I do not have the 1st clue, but we will see. Also after I called him I deleted his number from my phone, so I will never be tempted to call him again. Unless he calls me back. Stupid boys. But I actually don’t care. I will just chill out and possibly find the man of my dreams in the next 85 years if I am lucky. Oh well Crittle sent this article to me, about how men run the world and are completely capable of asking a girl out, so I am going to try it… unfortunately for me I read this article after I called, but also after I deleted the number so that was a good and a bad in the same breath. But for some reason I cannot stop looking at my phone, I don’t even know what I would do if he called back. This kinda sucks because R. is calling Peter which means if we meet up this weekend I will have to see The Cop. I just think that I will act like I don’t care to talk to him either way. I am going to play the he who cares the least gets the most game! That probably will not work, so then I will walk away and find someone to buy me a drink.


Bad pick-up line of the weekend: Where are you from?? Are you ladies European? You could not possibly be from here.

Thank Heavens Bevins it’s Friday!

Not that this is going to be a relaxing weekend or anything, but then again are they ever?? My cousins wedding has finally arrived, you know the saying always a bridesmaid never the bride, well I am always the maid of honor now isn’t that just fabulous. So I will again be forced to realize that I will never get married and will be a single party forever! Not that I don’t like being a single party girl, but one day soon I would not like to be the single party girl hmmmm…

In regards to not being a single party girl, I will be going out with The Cop tonight. So maybe, just maybe, my days of single party girl are numbered. But I doubt it. He is way to put together to be as interested in me as R. says. There just has to be something seriously wrong with him.

In two words he grabbed my heartIt wasn’t the words so much as the tone, he knew that he woke me up even though I told him that he didn’t, and he said “sleep tight” as he was hanging up the phone… the way he said it was so freaking sweet if he was standing in front of me, it would have been all over. Ahhhhhh why can boys do this to me! They make me crazy! But I love it!!!

Yet another to add to the list .... Chris " creator"


Christopher George Bonnichsen


Christopher George Bonnichsen was taken from this world suddenly on May 7, 2005 to be with the Lord. Chris lived life to its fullest each and every day. His smile was contagious and his heart was huge. He never knew a stranger and saw the face of God in everyone he met. As an avid Jaguar fan, who when everyone in the stands was sitting down moping, he was up cheering, and rooting his team on, even if they were losing 21-0. He leaves a loving family who celebrates his life: Mother and Step-Father, Janet and Samuel Clements, Brother, Robert Bonnichsen, Step-Brothers, David Clements (Lavinia), John Clements, Step-sister, Eleanor Weinstein (Steven), Maternal Grandparents George Fraed (Marcia) and Helen Fraed, and many aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, friends, and his faithful dog, Olivia-who already miss him dearly. Visitation is 6 to 8 P.M. Wednesday, May 11, 2005 at George H. Hewell and Son Funeral Home, 4140 University Blvd. S. A memorial mass celebrating Chris' lif e will be held at 2 p.m. Thursday, May 12, 2005 at Christ the King Catholic Church, 742 Arlington Road; Rev, Thanh T. Nguyen officiating. In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions in Chris' name may be made to the Music Ministry of Christ the King Catholic Church. We love you Chris and miss you more than you'll ever know. Please Sign the Guestbook @ Jacksonville.com

Aren 

So allegedly The Cop is "so into you" and my friend, who is his best friend said " I have never seen him into a girl the way he is you" well that is all fine and well but good grief act like it. Apparently he is just shy, I feel much better about the whole situation now having talked to R. Who by the way I so totally hooked up with Peter. I am pure genius, that is for sure.

The below statement is true.
The above statement is false.

Think about that for a little while. ~.^

He called... he called... so I am happy I didn't have to wait a week, he called right when I was done updating...

So B.H. so kindly informed me that when a dumb boi tells you that he will call you later, that could be up to a week... A week don't these boi's know what can happen in a week, or maybe they do and that is why they wait, none the less I will give him a week, and then after that POOF I will be done with The Cop.... the hot yummy cop.... that would be quite the shame, however Sprandie and I will be attending a party that B.H. has invited us to. Could be interesting. He has many cute single friends, so this could work out as a cheap night out.

I am a little unsettled with the fact that I have to take my cousin out for her bachlorette party on Friday, I suppose I won't be drinking, because she won't be drinking and we all know how I can get when I am drinking especially when peter is around so I am going to stay off the booze, shut it Bevins I really am! I know what you are saying as well Ms. Catina shut it! I can go out and not drink. you just wait for the update on sunday it will tell all. so place your bets now ladies.....

Stuck in my head song " Candy Shop" 50 cent...

Here is a math trick that will stump you. I would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not running the country.

1. Get a calculator.
2. Key in the first 3 digits of your phone number (not the area code).
3. Multiply it by 80.
4. Add one (1).
5. Multiply that by 250.
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number.
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number one more time.
8. Subtract 250.
9. Divide the final number by 2.

Look familiar?

Bevins asked why I was so happy this morning, I actually am not all that happy however, I am ok, and slightly for some reason less stressed then usual. Bevin’s assumed that it must have had to do with The Cop. And it doesn’t, he was supposed to call me back last night and he didn’t, so whatever. If he calls, I will talk to him. and if he doesn't call then I guess I will not be talking to him. and it doesn't really make a difference either way.

I basically straight up asked M. if he ever intended on giving it up again, to which he responded “um…. I dunno…” so I said “you are a goof, and I will take that as a no” and how did he respond to that????? He said “I am not a goof” what is wrong with him!?!?!?!?!?! So I am done and ok with that surprisingly. I thought I was going to cry, but I didn’t.


I am just going to stop looking and wanting and maybe someone will fall in my lap.

If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

I am freaking out!!! I am going to call The Cop when I leave work today, and I am flipping out!!! My stomach is all upset and everything. Bah!

I am going to see Har-bear today he is going to make me pretty… I love when he makes me pretty.

I feel so sick I am going to throw up, I hate the jitters. Also I am wearing these ridicules shoes that I got last night and they are hurting my feet.

So upon further review of my jitters I have a feeling and have come to the conclusion that this is M.’s fault. I am just tired of waiting for him and I am not doing it anymore, he is so whishy washey and it makes me crazy so I am done, DONE I tell ya!!! I think, gosh I hope …..grrrrrr I am so over this emotional crap I don’t want it anymore… I am purging him. That makes me sad though, why is that??

song stuck in my head (also dedicated to M.) I ain't gonna beg you - Fantasia

Well this weekend was rather exciting……

Friday after work we went to eat at Ale House and Hot Guy was there, he was sticking his tongue out at me and grabbing my waist again….
So I had semi-decided that on Saturday when I saw him at the bar I was going to corner him and attack, which Crittle confirmed I would have to do as she double dog dared me… I never back out of a dare.

Well Saturday the hot guy does not show up, luckily for him as we were in Red Neck hell. MB and Doug showed up there and bought us all shots, then we left and B. and I ended up at Bourbon Street. Now I used to have the biggest crush on this guy in high school, he’d played baseball and I just had a big crush, well B. knows him we saw him last week at the Ritz… he was there at bourbon street, and he has a very attractive friend who we shall refer to as “the cop” so I was all about this cop. We all go back to B.’s house. Crittle I cannot say that I went through with the dare because it wasn’t hot guy, However I made out with The Cop… so HA!!!! I took your dare~